For a few hours, I had a super power. I had the authority once again to marry two people in the state of Virginia. I used my power for good -- it's the third time I have performed a real wedding. Two other times I have presided over a ceremony that followed the courthouse wedding. This side career was not my idea, but it keeps on evolving.
This one was different because it is the first time I have brought my Jewish self to the task. I think that is partly why they asked me to do it -- the groom was raised in Cleveland in a Jewish family, had a Bar Mitzvah and kind of slid away from regular observance as an adult. The bride was raised Catholic but was more interested in keeping the Jewish traditions.
I didn't give myself much time to think about it -- like a real officiant, I started writing last night and started thinking through the issues this morning -- but I am quite conscious of my clergy friends and their feelings about people without a formal education/title taking on roles that are traditionally reserved for those with training.
But the state of Virginia has a special and very precise program for "one time civil celebrants." You have to apply to the judge and I don't know what kind of checking he does, but eventually you get a letter saying you are allowed to marry these people on this specific date, and only those people on only that date. Then you go to the county courthouse for an appointment with the clerk at 8:30 on a Thursday morning (not as simple as it sounds -- I had to be in the flowers at 6 AM, just as it was light enough to see, so I could pick for a soggy hour and a half before stripping off my soaked clothes and going to town..and the hardest part was walking the long walk from the parking garage uphill to the massive courthouse. It was a hot and steamy day and I don't walk on pavement very often.).
The clerk is exacting and direct. She explains all about the bureaucratic requirements, and the five celebrants practice filling out a marriage license. No mistakes, black ink only, super tidy. There are no rules about what anyone says at the wedding, the only rule is that you fill out the form and get it back within five business days or your forfeit the $500 bond. The $500 bond ensures that the records will be proper -- there is a couple who thought they were married for 20 years before they went to get a divorce, only to discover that their celebrant had never filed the proper papers. Five years later, they are still in court. That's the story that supports this practice.
I had only met with the bride and groom once about two months ago to discuss everything, and last night we had a second meeting during their pre-wedding pizza party. I learned enough to write something coherent, but I still didn't know how Jewish they wanted to be. I didn't know how Jewish I wanted to be, for that matter.
In the end, I looked through some of my books, read about weddings to see what makes it a real Jewish wedding, found some blessings that met their needs (secular and modern, without direct references to the King of the Universe) and wrote my part.
It was delightful to have no other job. I didn't have to cook or clean up or direct people or carry a table or anything. I just stood under the chuppah and watched those beautiful young people and their little boys come down the aisle. The boys were like puppies, falling all over themselves -- dressed in white jackets, dress shirt and ties, shorts and bare feet.
I introduced myself as a Jewish adult, not a rabbi, and the wedding was as Jewish as I felt allowed to make it. I did not invoke the Laws of Moses and Israel. I did not talk about God. I spoke about the beauty of the diversity of humanity, etc. I felt that I stayed within the bounds of what I am competent to do, and that it would have been very hard for them to find a rabbi for this, and that maybe there is a chance that they will have a more Jewish home because of this day. The mother of the groom was surprised and happy -- she had no idea that her son would want a Jewish wedding and he never gave her a hint about it. But of course there had been no plan, it all came about in the last day. The mother read the Priestly Benediction and the Zochreinu -- she had come prepared to do her best to keep her traditions alive.
The whole event was lovely and low-key, with a crowd-sourced meal (high quality food cooked by friends), the air was amazingly comfortable for mid-August, and everyone looked beautiful. Just how a wedding should be. And it was four minutes from home, which is as good as it gets.
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