Rant

Here is something new I learned about my husband today, after spending a great proportion of the last 35 years in his presence, or at least nearby.  He is truly susceptible and vulnerable when it comes to the IRS.  He worries that he really might not have done something right, or that we are in actual danger of getting in trouble.  This is amazing to me, as he is incredibly careful about making sure all the numbers make sense, that they line up, that he has thought of everything before he pushes the button and sends them in.  It would never occur to him to try to get away with anything, so any mistakes he might make would be entirely honest.

On various occasions, we have found messages on our answering machine from "the IRS" saying that we had to call them back right away.  And I have convinced him each time that the IRS does not operate that way, and the call is a scam.  Somehow today, the message hit some kind of a nerve with him and he felt he just had to call them back, despite my assurances that it was not necessary.

I was on my way out the door, heading to a midday class on the prophet Elijah, one of those fun things I do in the winter.  I heard him making the call to the phone number that they left, so I decided I should probably stay and listen. (Red flag -- it was a 202 number.  Since when does the IRS leave a local number?) From what I heard, I remained entirely unconvinced that this was a legitimate call from the Internal Revenue Service.  But somehow they managed to keep him on the line for many minutes, and he grew increasingly agitated and drawn in.  Then I HAD to stay, to make sure that he didn't do anything foolish.  Every now and then I admonished him, "Don't give them any information!"

The next clue was that they called him Jonathan Newcomb.  I would have hung up on the spot.  He told them that wasn't his name, and he straightened them out on what his actual name was.  They did not ask him for any information at all. The whole thing was ridiculous and from what I could hear, the language was totally unprofessional. They had his phone number, a reasonably related name, and his address.  Everything that anyone could have had.  He got transferred to another agent, who gave him his "badge number." 

I could hear from across the room that the first person to answer and the second person had the same accent. This was a huge red flag to me.  Since when would the IRS have two foreign people who sounded exactly the same?  It just got worse and worse.  I kept telling him to give me the phone, but he wanted to resolve it himself, even though by this time he was yelling at the guy.  The guy told him that he had waited until the absolute last day to respond to all their mailings, including certified mail (another blazing red flag -- we have received no mail, certified or otherwise) which he said Jon had signed for, or maybe he didn't say that, but Jon kept asking him if his signature was on the return receipt.

In my experience, watching my mother deal with the IRS for this and that and the other thing, there is no such thing as an absolute last day. They will talk with you about your case forever.  For years.  They want to resolve things. They don't threaten.  They certainly don't threaten to put you in jail or sue you.  They want their money but there is a deliberate process.

The whole thing was absurd to me, but they must have been good. They had him hooked.  They wanted him to send his payment today.  Oh good grief! I would have had to wrestle him to the ground and tie him up if he went down that path.

I wanted to take the phone and ask, "please describe for me the room you are sitting in. What is outside the window? Are there palm trees?  What language is everyone speaking?  Is it just you and this other lady or are there more of you running this scam?"  This is why Jon wouldn't hand me the phone.

Jon finally decided he wasn't in danger of getting sued by the IRS because it was just getting weird. (I forgot to mention the first red flag of all -- I cannot imagine the IRS calling and leaving a message using its initials.  They would only say The Internal Revenue Service, ever. And they would NEVER CALL. They send letters saying that we have to call them, and refer to this or that identifying number on the correspondence.)   The man said the sheriff would be here in half an hour to take Jon to jail. 

Incredible.  I can only hope that other vulnerable people in our lives (parents, parents of friends) would have the good sense to say that they don't do business over the phone.  I am seriously considering disconnecting our land line after this, because we rarely answer it anyway, and if two reasonably sensible adults can spend this much time on a stupid phone call, it really needs to be gone. 

Betsy says we should report the phone number, although it probably already has been reported.  Of course, part of Jon's vulnerability is that he has had his identity stolen before, and there is always the possibility that that has messed up his whole taxpaying identity.  There are reasons for his nervousness, but I am here to keep him from giving anything away by mistake...